May 31st, 2009
Taking the kids to the Louvre
Originally printed in Good Teacher Magazine: Term 4, 2006, page 20 – 21
Dear Editor
I am a New Zealand teacher who has a position in an English speaking school (year 10 to 13) in Paris for children of expats.
I decided that it would be a good idea to take the little darlings for a day visit to the Louvre. I did all the usual things, sent out a form to get the parents permission and asking them to sign form NUMBER 34561865rjd43654hgrS362 which says that the school will accept no responsibility for any damage to priceless works of art.
One of the many we have for these occasions. My favourite is form number 14356425sex243564brfs3421. which all parents of children who are participating in our class “getting to know your body” where it states that the teacher accepts no responsibility for any pregnancy that arises during or because of this class.
Of the 31 kids I got 31 signed forms some whose signatures looked surprisingly juvenile- and one parent helper Michelle. As the French Govt decreed that all French school children were well behaved there is only one helper required for every 16 children.
We arrived at the glass pyramid in the centre of the Louvre as arranged at 9am. This was a good time to arrive as it wasn’t too hot and the queue had only begun to form. We were in line with a bunch of American tourists who seemed to squeeze out of their clothes Taking the kids to the Louvre in many surprising ways. We had done the obligatory roll call on our arrival and apart from a minor problem where we had to rescue Jacque who was being drowned by Jillian in one of the reflecting ponds, things were looking quite promising. We advanced slowlythrough the lines of coffee starved, hungry tourists with the squelch of J and Js sneakers being a welcome relief from the babble of the surrounding Yanks (patriotic Americans). After surrendering our bags for the security check and after having the knives and what I seriously hope were bottles of water removed by the submachine cradling ex members of the Foreign Legion (probably thrown out because of their bad attitude) it was down the escalator for our day of fun and laughter.
At the bottom of the escalator I gathered everybody together and explained that our first stop was the Mona Lisa. After explaining where she was displayed I announced that just to add a little spice to the day we would make it a race to get to her room. The first ones there would get the best view and the last would have the middle digit of their right hand guillotined. (the digit that they so eloquently express themselves with nowadays). I thought a bit of Gallic humour would lighten the mood although to add emphasis I had brought along my cigar cutter shaped like a baby guillotine. We arrived at the Mona Lisa in fine form having left Michelle behind to attend to the injured and shocked Japanese who had been bowled over as easily as the English in their last test. I had decided that we would visit Mona because of her great beauty and
because she is considered to be a picture of Leonardo in drag. This would then give the students permission to explore their sexuality and would also complete FRQA 185.
By the time I arrived, only seconds behind the last student I discovered that they had already persuaded the guard to allow them to stand at the front in the children section. I did overhear and ignore some rumblings of discontent from 200 odd Japanese behind us who were all shorter than my students. The guards would normally only allow students in school uniform to stand there and as all of my students wore their uniforms it was allowed. Our school uniform is very strict – Boys up to 4 studs in face or ears only, tongue stud, T shirt (word f*** not allowed) ripped jeans (only 8 rips per leg) sneakers, no socks. – Girls up to 8 studs in face or ears only, tongue stud smooth to avoid chafing, T shirt (word f*** not allowed) ripped jeans (only 8 rips per leg) sneakers, no socks.
The lovely children were suitably impressed by the painting until Johan from Sveden standing to the extreme right shouted out “SHES LOOKING AT ME” to which Abdul
from Pakistan standing to the extreme left responded with “NO SHE’S NOT, SHE’S LOOKING AT ME.”
What followed was an open ended intelligent debate similar to those you see in the New Zealand parliament, which we as NZers are so justifiably proud. After three or four blasts on my whistle (salvaged from those halcyon days when we were required to help with sports) silence descended and we were escorted from the room by more members of the surly Foreign Legion AK47s at the ready, safeties off.
Victory
After talking very quickly to them and mentioning that I didn’t like Greenpeace much as well, we were allowed to move to our next target “Victory”. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it stands on what looks like part of the bow of a stone boat possibly blown to bits by the ancestors of those 2 heroes of France who did such a competent job in AKL. Unfortunately its not in a room like Mona but is situated at the top of 2 sets of converging stairways.
Well by the time the students, Michelle and I had crowded around, we had completely blocked both stairways.
With complete abandon I launched into the lesson (Lesson plan Number 30) telling the little charmers how this statue was used as the model for the insignia of the Rolls Royce and I explained that being rich is not bad but good (required by the school board as directed by the Parents Association September 14 2005)
Not being one of those people who uses one word when 15 is better (I am a teacher after all) this lasted for a good 20 minutes. By that stage we had a build up of tourists stretching back down both corridors which would have rivalled the queues for the Eiffel tower on a hot summer day.
Venus de Milo
The students, Michelle and I resisted their advances for as long as we could but inevitably like the cork from a bottle of Champagne we were popped out and pushed down the corridor towards the Venus de Milo. As we approached Venus I began explaining to my lovely charges that the Venus de Milo enables them to see that being bone thin is not as good as having a body that the boys in the class would murder for to get their disgusting hands on. (This enabled me to complete FRQA 183 Social sciences and FRQA 194 How to diet)
However this only lasted for as long as it took 3 of the young gentlemen to shout “do youze reckon she’s had a Brazilian?” and “jeez she’s got great t***” and “Nah betcha she’s had a boob job”. They were my students from that great storehouse of culture from across the Tasman.
Bonaparte's Bed
At this stage we beat a hasty retreat down the corridor towards Bonaparte’s apartments where I was hoping to explain to the little darlings about the powers of persuasion. (FRQA 143 Logic in the Modern Era). Napoleon took over France after the masses had guillotined over 2000 nobles and gentry because they were living a life
of extreme extravagance and lavish opulence. When he took over he started to live a life of extreme extravagance and lavish opulence himself. He must have had a tongue of gold.
The most breathtaking part of his apartments is Boney’s bedchamber (maybe that’s where his nickname came from). Obviously by this time fatigue had started to set in and it was nice to see Jacque and Jillian patching up their differences by having a bit of a rest on Boney’s bed.
How lovely I thought until I noticed that they were no longer lying side by side but had assumed the position if you get my drift. With this sight burning its way into my retinas, the sound of the sirens blaring because Jacque and Jillian had crossed the alarmed floor and the armed guards bursting into the room as if Osama himself was there we were escorted from the Louvre in Triumph.
All in all a fairly successful field trip.
Till next time.
Yours,
The Travelling Teacher